Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
