i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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