I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
