Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
