my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
