No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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