I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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