i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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