i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
