"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
