I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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