I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
