There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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