He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
