cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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