I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
