Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
