i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
