Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So vagazzling was a success
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
