Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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