he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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