She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
