based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
