I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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