i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
