So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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