Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
