it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
