i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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