Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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