the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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