i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
