Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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