i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
