Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
