***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
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