Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
