Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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