my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
