They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
