I didn't shave. On purpose
Operation Purity has been aborted
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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