chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
This is the prime rib incident all over again
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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