watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
