I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
