Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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