I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
