Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
