My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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