Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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