So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
