The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
