i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
