Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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