i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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