I think im going to throw up on grandma
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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